I'm off work today sick with a migraine so I've spent most of today sleeping fitfully and trying not to vomit on myself. I don't get migraines very often but when I do it's always done to one of two things; red wine or taking too much on. Some of my biggest migraines come at crucial life points - moving house, starting a new job, dealing with intense pressure. All moments when I could really do without lying in bed in complete darkness for 18 hours really.
This time it's because I'm just so busy. It's completely my own fault - I keep taking things on because I love having plans and projects but my body is not cut out for it. I was involved with organising my friend's hen do the weekend just been (blogpost to follow about this) which was wonderful and although I enjoyed a lot of it I really felt the pressure to make sure everything was perfect. I know I'm not the only one who suffers with perfectionism, in this age of 'doing it for the gram' and social media celebrities it's hard to accept that your life won't always look like those magical moments.
Above is one of my more 'grammable pictures. Social media definitely hasn't helped but I've always been afraid of what happens if you drop the ball. I was very unwell when I was younger with depression and anxiety and caused a lot of damage to myself because I had a self-destructive streak. I look back as an adult and I'm honestly amazed I made it through relatively unscathed. I completely understand how women end up chopped up and dumped by the side of the road, homeless and on the streets, addicted to alcohol and/or drugs etc. It genuinely could have been me.
I've been 'well' and medication free for over 6 years now. I used to think that 'well' was a destination - you arrived and suddenly you were the old fun you with your shit 100% together. I know now 'well' is in fact just not feeling awful and remembering to wash yourself regularly. I still have anxiety probably more than most and I always will. It's like the quiet hum of a fridge in the back of my mind that I've learnt to tune out. When it gets too loud I do some mindful colouring or eat a bag of maltesers and wait for it to calm down a bit.
Today I'm anxious about:
This time it's because I'm just so busy. It's completely my own fault - I keep taking things on because I love having plans and projects but my body is not cut out for it. I was involved with organising my friend's hen do the weekend just been (blogpost to follow about this) which was wonderful and although I enjoyed a lot of it I really felt the pressure to make sure everything was perfect. I know I'm not the only one who suffers with perfectionism, in this age of 'doing it for the gram' and social media celebrities it's hard to accept that your life won't always look like those magical moments.
Above is one of my more 'grammable pictures. Social media definitely hasn't helped but I've always been afraid of what happens if you drop the ball. I was very unwell when I was younger with depression and anxiety and caused a lot of damage to myself because I had a self-destructive streak. I look back as an adult and I'm honestly amazed I made it through relatively unscathed. I completely understand how women end up chopped up and dumped by the side of the road, homeless and on the streets, addicted to alcohol and/or drugs etc. It genuinely could have been me.
I've been 'well' and medication free for over 6 years now. I used to think that 'well' was a destination - you arrived and suddenly you were the old fun you with your shit 100% together. I know now 'well' is in fact just not feeling awful and remembering to wash yourself regularly. I still have anxiety probably more than most and I always will. It's like the quiet hum of a fridge in the back of my mind that I've learnt to tune out. When it gets too loud I do some mindful colouring or eat a bag of maltesers and wait for it to calm down a bit.
Today I'm anxious about:
- Other people being ahead of me in the life race - yes I know it's completely pointless and it all sorts itself out. But I'd be lying if I said I don't ever think "will I ever meet a boyfriend I stick with long term/get a mortgage/take responsibility for a dog or a tiny human/etc?"
- All the work I haven't done because I had a migraine
- People at work being annoyed at me for not being there because of the aforementioned migraine
- Not losing any weight so far in September when I lost a stone in August. Even though I totally know why I haven't lost any weight (because I haven't followed a diet and ate everything)
- Tidying my bedroom because it's a mess
- When I will find time to clear out my cupboards ready for winter
- What I'm going to have for tea
- If I'm ready for volunteering this weekend (probably not)
- The fact I haven't done any reading or mindful colouring for over a month even though I should do it for my own wellbeing
- Missing our friend's birthday drinks tonight because I don't feel up to it
- If I should go to the Blackpool fireworks alone on Friday or give up hope of going
- Preparing my lecture for university two weeks today
Honestly, my mind is full to the brim with thoughts 24/7. I'm going to make a meal plan list now which I won't follow but will make me feel calmer and then see if ASDA George has a homeware sale on so I can buy a treat to cheer myself up!
Hen do blog post soon I promise guys :)
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